Emptiness

It came when I least expected it and much harder that I ever could
have predicted. There have been many physically demanding days of long
walks in the sun and I knew there would be days where the emotional
exhaustion would also drain me. However, no matter how much
preparation you think you do, you cannot be ready to have your heart
and soul broken down time and time again in the same time, within a
matter of a few hours.

Laura and I visited Bar Andingo Primary School in Chulaimbo yesterday
at the request and host of Leonard, one of the key Umoja teachers and
a man with a heart for OVC's (Orphans and Vulnerable Children). The
visit was good as we got to visit classrooms, interact with the
children, play games, see the feeding program and, learn about their
IGA (Income Generating Activity) of poultry raising. After all of this
and lunch at the school, Leonard took Laura and I on a home visit trip
through the Bar Andingo community to visit some of the most vulnerable
children.

One boy and his mother live in a "home" that was built only after
their father, who abandoned them after a family dispute, was forced to
provide timber for a home. This home is made of partially mud and
partially plastic walls with all plastic roofing which leaks severely
in the rain.

Another home is a home with 5 children, 3 school-aged students being
raised by a mother with some degree of handicap. They were the
happiest family I have visited here, smiles radiating the entire time
we were there, even from the 8mo old resting in his mother's arms.
Their roof was also very leaky among other things. The joy that this
family possesed was inspirational and forced me to really rethink what
it means to have rejoice in all circumstances.

There are two boys who live with their very old and very sick
grandmother, the boys being 13 and 15. The 15 year old just found out
recently that he is HIV positive and will need some psychological
counseling to help deal with that realization.

Many of these situations involve parents and relatives who have either
succombed to HIV or simply abandoned the families, leaving them very
vulnerable.

At nearly every home we visited, shaking hands, listening to stories,
and taking pictures, I found myself in a battle with my tear ducts,
trying to prevent a torrential downpour. The struggle of situations
like these amplifies the difficulty in dealing with theodicy (the
problem of evil). It is much easier to sit in a classroom and discuss
the theological implications and posit reasons for evil in the world.
You can chalk it all up to God being so holy other that we shouldn't
try to comprehend God's reasons for things, but that doesn't give an
ounce of hope to the 15 year old boy who just found out his life will
be prematurely ended.

Ellen talked of coming to Africa and Kenya with an empty suitcase,
eager to learn and not to bring all of our preconceived notions of
knowledge, God, people, etc. Yesterday, I think God helped me finish
the emptying process, clearing out what little knowledge and reason i
thought I possessed regarding the problem of evil. This emptiness has
forced me to stop relying on what I thought I knew and turn back to
God in prayer, relying only on God's goodness and love to help me
understand that which I cannot.

If I wasn't yet, I am empty now. Praise be to God